My Very Own MUST NOT List

Can't make a decision about something? Let me make it for you.

Must NOT watch TV show:
Anything on local television: Not unless you’ve decided that low is where you want to go! Seriously, even the local news needs to raise the decency level a few notches higher! I mean don’t they wonder why they’re called tabloids on TV?
Instead: Arrested Development, America’s Next Top Model, Lost, Ugly Betty, Project Runway, Heroes, Weeds

Must NOT listen to music:
Rap and Hip-Hop: Ex-convicts talking about how they screwed, how they got screwed, how they want to screw some more, is not within what can be called music. Please! Oh and by the way, mispronouncing words to make them rhyme is so third world elementary! “If yah ain’t diggin’ the gramma’ nitha’!”, then it’s safe to say you’re not alone.
Sell-out OPM Bands: Why settle for the poor imitation when you can just listen to the original?
Instead: People, there’s this emerging genre called Adult Alternative (No, it’s not triple X music, you wished!). It has the same rock depth and strength to it, but has more maturity and sensibility; includes Coldplay, Evanescence, and Dashboard Confessional. Also, other artists worth listening to: Daughtry, Kelly Clarkson, Fall-out Boy and Gwen Stefani.

Must NOT wear designer:
Heatherette: Well, unless you desire looking like road kill…
Betsey Johnson: Well, unless you desire looking like a hooker over 65…
Anything else you cannot afford: Makes perfect sense.
Instead: Personal style is always the “in” style (as long as it doesn’t make you look like trash). Besides, once you’ve gotten rid of anything you can’t afford, that pretty much leaves you with no options.

Must NOT read magazine:
CANDY Magazine, and all other (I mean ALL) teen-oriented local magazines: As far as these magazines are concerned, reading doesn’t always have to be a learning experience. As a matter of fact, such activity may produce negative results, such as the individual internalizing tackiness, stupidity, and trivialities.
Instead: Vanity Fair, Vogue and National Geographic; the only magazines that will ever tell you what to do or how to defend when confronted with creatures that will eat you alive!

Must NOT play sports:
Golf: Everyone knows that when old, impotent men get together in their shorts and loafers, walking around grass while being tended by a water boy, umbrella holder, and a caddie shack, it’s not a sport.
Instead: Oh no, nothing. Bum it out.

Must NOT read book:
Who reads books?

Must NOT be-like celebrity:
Paris Hilton: Well if it’s about the money and bling, and the unexplainable popularity then I understand why anyone would want to be her. But really, would being like her be worth enough to shed your morals and go on information overload frenzies to the public?
Kris Aquino: Well if it’s about the money and bling, and the unexplainable popularity then I understand why anyone would want to be her. But really, would being like her be worth enough to shed your morals and go on information overload frenzies to the public?
Instead: Angelina Jolie (For the simple reason that she’s her. Of course, no one could ever be like her. Like not ever (But please stop adopting.).
Jessica Alba: For standing up for all those beautiful people who look at gorgeousness as a curse! Bravo, Jessica, bravo!

Must NOT do diet:
High Protein Diet: It deprives the body of fiber.
Low Carbs Diet: It deprives the brain of fuel.
South Beach Diet: It deprives the person financially.
Instead: Starving.

Must NOT imitate clothes-wise celebrity:
Jessica Simpson and Mischa Barton: Hey, the 80s called; they want their clothes back.
Simon Cowell: Yeah, yeah so he’s witty and brutish and powerful in the music industry; but there seems to be no excuse for wearing shirts five sizes under what could be considered appropriate!
Instead: Me, duh!

Must NOT eat chocolate:
You have got to be kidding.
Instead: Eat all of it. Even expired ones.

Must NOT have hairstyle:
Anything that invites egg-laying creatures.
Anything that makes you look like you killed the hairstylist.
Anything that appears to have a life of its own.
The French Bob: Creepy male gremlins disguised as tiny female presidents are sporting it.
Instead: Go bald. Worked for Natalie Portman. But then, you're not Natalie Portman.